Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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