That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
