So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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