the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
