hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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