I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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