somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
