i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
