I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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