All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
