Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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