so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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