Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
