we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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