you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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