her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
