How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize