you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
