I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
