I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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