I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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