I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
