good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
