I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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