my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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