Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
