I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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