i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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