I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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