sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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