Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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