I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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