i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
