I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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