I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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