So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
