I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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