If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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