dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
