Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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