Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Randomize
