Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
