So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
