I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
