I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Damn victory sex feels great
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
