My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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