I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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