I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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