He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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