At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
