Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
