1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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