then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
