i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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