there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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