So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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