i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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