Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
